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Kali's avatar

Great review which highlights the tension between a neurodiverse individual and the others around them, and the impact of a diagnosis on that. The language around 'permission' is very telling - having a diagnosis does not give you a get-out-of-jail free card to behave exactly as you wish and blame the world around you for not accommodating it. Social contract and all that. I personally found the chapter in Robin's book headed "Am I an arsehole?" personally quite triggering. My ex partner had mental health issues that got significantly worse during our relationship. He treated me horribly, and wouldn't meaningfully engage in treatment or therapy that might have helped him. For several years I tried to be understanding of this, and excused his behaviour (and my misery and depression resulting from his abuse) to family and friends on the grounds of his mental health problems, and that we all just needed to work harder to understand and accommodate him. Only one friend sat me down and said, "Yes, he might have these issues, but he is also being a **** and you need to leave."

As you point out in your review, we contain multitudes and different aspects of our personality and behaviour - especially those perceived as negative and with impacts on those around us in our personal and professional lives - can be hard to parse out and are not easily boxed and explained (or worse, excused) by a simple diagnosis.

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Nina Bloch's avatar

I do think an underrated part of mental health management is learning to distrust your own first instincts or impressions. In many cases, the way you understand people, pick up their social cues, react to their actions, can be misunderstood through the warping lens of mental illness. The modern solution of the world being more accommodating is important. But in the process the equal responsibility of the sufferer to acknowledge his impaired judgment, to second-guess himself, to apologize when misjudging, seems to have been absolved. It’s now referred to as “masking”, and the expectation is regarded as almost an abuse of the sufferer. But if you refuse to acknowledge where your behaviour has crossed a reasonable social norm, all you are doing is declaring a Victim Olympics, where the rules of engagement are always set by whoever is suffering the most.

Taking a real-life example, I burst out crying a couple of days ago when the cafeteria guy accidentally put sauce on my meat. I’m pregnant, overwhelmed, anxious and depressed, suffering from heat. I have every diagnostic reason in the world to explain my reaction. But that doesn’t change the fact that it was an overreaction and a shitty way to treat someone in service. So I apologized, without excuse. And I don’t feel like that is the kind of response that is encouraged in a mental-illness-identitarian approach.

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